Mélanie

I was 20.  I was in a relationship.  I was working at a bookstore for minimum wage and living with roommates.

I had support from friends and from my therapist.  I was stubborn and wanted to do it on my own but I’m sure it helped that my friends were there for me.  They came to get me at the clinic and walked me home.  It meant a lot that they were there for me – that they didn’t judge me and provided love and kindness.  Between finding out I was pregnant and having the abortion, even colleagues/friends I did not know that well were supportive, offering kind words and one person in particular even drew me a picture and photocopied some stuff to read re: abortion experiences.  I would have liked my boyfriend to be there and he was not.  I would have appreciated his support.

I feel sad that I had to be alone in it.  I feel sad that it was a secret, a shameful thing… My primary feelings in the present are guilt and feeling like I am a “bad person” because I don’t want children.  And that I am not entitled to any grief because I put myself in the situation.  This is a good quote from a book I have:

“To complicate matters post-abortion women may question their entitlement to grieve because they chose their loss”

I have a tattoo on my belly.  It is Hebrew and says “I shall be with you in the spirit” (the man I got pregnant with was Jewish).  It is a tribute to the spirit baby.  Many strangers or acquaintances will ask what it means and why I have it.  I won’t tell everyone but I have told many of those people that I know less well what it is about.  I want to inspire less shame and silence in women about many issues including abortion, miscarriage, etc.  So I will share.  But I won’t share if I feel it won’t be given the respect it deserves or if I feel unsafe.

Again, I just think women are made to feel that they are not entitled to any sense of loss or grief.  I have felt this, yes.  I want to work towards feeling entitled, accepting it, loving myself and being kind to myself… allowing myself to grieve.